Contemplations on Immortality

I have just completed my 8th session of Rituxan plus CHOP. Such a strange feeling; now a month of unknowing and waiting to see what will happen next. I have heard this time described as the hardest part of cancer treatment. At first there was a hard focused goal, to survive chemo. Now I am only waiting, recovering from the last dose of cytotoxic drugs, and thoughts of death keep slipping into my mind.

A dear friend is visiting and I keep thinking, "If I die, maybe my husband should marry her; she would make a great mom to my baby girl". Thoughts persistently flit through my mind like this. What should I do with the remaining time? Rest and try to recover? Or run outside into the stormy wind and rain and feel the cold sting on my face, fling my body relentlessly into life and burn up the small energy I have left? I so want to feel everything before I go - there is so much more to love, to listen to, to experience and learn.

The time left is never enough, I have realized, whether I go soon or am given another twenty years. The immortality of the human soul is the most keenly felt before death. This is when it strikes home with absolute assurance: this is not all there is. There is more to life than earth, than death. Most people, regardless of their faith, seem to ultimately think of death as a journey or a passing on. Most hearts balk stubbornly at the thought of loved ones ceasing to exist altogether; we cannot accept it. Sometimes it is only on the brink of the goodbye that we realize how firmly implanted in us this belief is. "He has written eternity on their hearts", it says of us in Ecclesiastes.

Psalm 23 says, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me." I have felt the presence of Jesus in this time, in the form of a sweet peace and rest. He surely walks in the valley of the shadow of death, walks with all who dwell there or are passing through. I am not afraid to die; I know that only by the grace of Christ I am forgiven of all guilt in my life. I throw myself entirely on the mercy of Jesus Christ, who died on the cross, and trust that Jesus will take me to be with him when I die. I have not earned my way anywhere; I only believe the promise, "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and you will be saved.", regardless of the amount of guilt, shame, and failure I have brought upon myself during my life.

I know that in heaven "there will be no more tears, or mourning, or crying, or pain, for He will wipe every tear from their eyes" (Revelation). "Man is born to trouble as surely as sparks fly upward," (Proverbs), and I would gladly exchange the pain and struggle of our broken earth for the reborn beauty of an unmarred creation. But I have not been able to get to the place where I would willingly abandon my husband and one year old daughter. This is where I "rage, rage, against the dying of the light", asking repeatedly for more time to raise my baby, to love my husband. I am not ready to go, not yet. I will be like the parable of the widow seeking justice from an unjust judge, who so relentlessly queried for justice that the judge, though he was not just, finally gave her justice. Perhaps, I think, the Lord will weary of my requests and in compassion grant me what I ask. I do not know. I do trust that perfect wisdom upholds every detail of life, suffering and death on this earth, though I do not understand. I do know that the love of God is perfect, though so often the world is twisted with pain and unimaginable evil. Immortality means to me that someday all of this should become a little more clear.